being a mother.

if there is one thing i have known most of my life for sure, its that i wanted to be a mom. i can remember holding other people's babes and never wanting to let anyone else have a turn. i remember playing house with baby dolls. i remember always thinking of what i would name my babies.

when j and i started trying for a babe i wanted the immediate satisfaction of being pregnant. and really looking back now i almost had that. we only tried for one month. the first month we were preg. i can't imagine it being any other way. i felt like that was the longest month of my life. we were really lucky.

from the moment i knew all my dreams were coming true i had an immediate sense of protection for my unborn child. at 5 weeks along i fell down the stairs, it was Christmas eve, i honestly thought i was going to miscarry. hearing the heartbeat for the first time was simply amazing. when i found out he was a he, it was almost like i already knew that. after i started feeling him move, i kept myself up at night when i thought i couldn't feel him kick. i dreamt about him so often it was like i knew what he would look like.

when he finally arrived, the second i saw him i knew he was beckett, the baby of my dreams. that immediate connection, that feeling of perfect love is only known by moms. this baby just had my whole heart and my whole life and he was only seconds old. there was nothing that i wouldn't do for him. to protect him. to make him happy. all i wanted to do was hold him. i wanted the whole world to see the most perfect boy.

bringing b home was almost unreal. i was an emotional mess. i wanted him to know how much i loved him. how much i wanted his life to be perfect. for no one to hurt him, ever. i wanted everyone to know my feelings toward this baby. i almost felt out of control. like i didn't know what i was doing. like i had never cared for  a baby before. i needed him back in my belly where nothing and no one could hurt him. and he was only mine.

every thing i do i have him in mind. i never knew this sort of love existed. i didn't know i would or could be so consumed with this little human. i wish someone could have prepared me for this. because sometimes i have a hard time having "me" time. sometimes i have a hard time feeling like i am a good mom. and most of the time i don't feel like i have enough time in the day. most days i feel like my house is messy, i didn't get a workout in. i should have spent more time just playing and letting the little things go.

here we are and my boy is 9 months old. he can crawl. he can wave and give high five. what? why is time going so fast? there are times that i think i want another baby. then, i think how on earth can anyone ever compare to my beckett.

i probably never will figure out how to balance my life. but i hope that b knows that his mama loves him and always will. my life is so much better with him in it. nothing makes me more happy then to see beckett smile. being a mom is hard work but i wouldn't change it for anything!