the hospital stay.

 

i am so far behind.
but i am determined to get caught up.

going through pictures tonight brought so much emotion back to my heart. going into labor, feeling contractions and giving birth is hard work. so worth it, but hard work. i am so glad we were able to  capture so many pictures so it would be easier for me to remember such an important day. sometimes i feel like bagging the blog and then i look back at posts of the past and love reading how i felt at different times in my life.

labor. delivery. seeing my boy for the first time.
j was such a great support during my long labor, love him. here are just a few pictures i maybe should have added to my last post.

walking the halls to help with progressing!

 

epidural please!

 

don't i look lovely? how do girls look so pretty while in labor? even after the epidural i still hated the way i was feeling! don't get me wrong i would never not get and epidural, but its

not like i felt good.

and he is here! i wish there was a way a mama could

describe the love for her child. these pictures make me tear up a bit. i felt so happy seeing him for the first time. the only reason i wish maybe i had someone else in the room

with j and me would be to get a picture of my baby and me right when they put him on my chest for

the first time.

what is my face doing. it looks like i am mad or something. don't worry i am not! this is

me and my beckett after the nicu team cleared his breathing. we

were analyzing each other!

oh love his face!

 

once beckett was born, we stayed in l & d for the next hour or so and then they moved us up to our room. most of our stay was filled with visitors and thanks to my parents some yummy food! i wouldn't say i loved the hospital but it was nice to have nothing else on my mind other then my sweet new baby and jordan. no house work or yard work or dog work. i didn't love that the nurse on duty came in so often during the night or that on the recovery floor nurses weren't as nice as my fav. nurse laura on the l & d floor or that poor jordan had to sleep on a chair. we decided to keep beckett with us 24 hours instead of letting him go to the nursery and i am glad we did!

we loved loved all of our visitors. i was no good at taking pictures of all of them. so sad.


 mr. b one night. i loved having him with us.


beckett's first bath.
i still am bitter about this.
so... beckett came out pretty covered in gunk. like most new babies! he needed a bath. i think i asked when he could have one 20 minutes after he cam out, that was the first time the nurse told me as soon as we get upstairs. when we were upstairs i asked again. and again. and again. the first nurse told me it was shift change so when the next nurse gets settled. then that nurse told me things were crazy. so i kept asking and finally around 10pm we got to go to the nursery and bathe him. jordan, despite being a little afraid, did such a wonderful job. the only thing that came out of waiting so long was that my legs weren't numb anymore so i got to go too!





most nights i didn't get much sleep. between the nurses and feeding b there wasn't much time for sleep. inbetween those, it seemed to be the only time i had with my own thoughts. i couldn't believe this baby was mine, I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the "i made this baby" thing. it wasn't me and jordan anymore. it was the 3 of us and my heart was and still is loving the idea of our little family. i wish i could put into words the way beckett made me feel the day he was born, a feeling i know will be met by nothing else.



at about 20 weeks i had a dream that we named our baby luis. my dad and brother's middle name. jordan didn't love it so i thought maybe we could use it as a middle name. with each of our favorite names we decided on a middle name. with beckett it was luis. like i have said before the second i saw beckett he was beckett luis. well, sometime during our time at the hospital i noticed becks had a little hole in his ear just like my dad. it was like he was always meant to be a luis!!




the day we were going home. wednesday august 29th.
we woke up early so that beckett could get a little sponge bath in before all the days events. one nurse came to do a hearing test. one to prick his heal to check his billirubin levels. and a dr. to circumcise him. hard day for mr. b. i made jordan go with beckett to get circumcised. while they were gone a nurse came in to tell me that his billi levels were high and we needed make a follow up appointment with our pediatrician. i was not too happy about this. blame the hormones. then, j comes back with my out of it baby and tells me that they found a cyst on beckett's penis. i. lost. it! how could this be happening to my brand new baby. i couldn't stop crying. again, hormones. they told us to follow up with his pediatrician, it might go away or it might require further attention. i couldn't even think rational about this, i was a wreck. turns out 2 days later the cyst was gone. but still. after me and beckett were cleared we were off! we were nervous wrecks driving home. we didn't even take the freeway!

Beckett's birth story.

the "birth" day of my baby boy. august 27th 2012.

it all started around 8:30 sunday night. i started feeling contractions, that really hurt. i swear immediately they were 3-5 minutes apart. i tried to continue what i was doing because there was no way i was in labor, or so i thought. remember i wasn't dilated at all yet, at least at my last appointment. j and i decided we would try and go to bed around 10, but i couldn't sleep. contractions continued still being mostly 3-5 minutes apart, with one that would sneak in around 7 minutes later. it seemed like they were coming every 25 seconds and i was dying! i couldn't lay down, stand up, sit down... i couldn't really do anything that made me a little more comfortable. about 1 am i lost my mucus plug. decided to try a bath, that didn't help. so i moaned and groaned to jordan and i wasn't sure how i was going to go on any longer. :) at 2:30 jordan said "i think we should go" so we loaded our stuff up and we were off to the hospital. as we were driving i told jordan I AM GETTING AN EPIDURAL! as i thought to my self, wow meghan, you are a big giant wuss. you aren't even to the hospital yet! seriously, those women who go natural are like wonder woman. i thought i was going to die. literally. anyway, we get to the hospital, they check me and i am only at 1 1/2. what? i have to make it to a 10? so they tell me that i need to go walk around for an hour. an hour later i am at a 2 1/2. go walk another hour, they say. walking sucks! i felt like i had to pee every 20 seconds. after walking for the next hour its around 5:30 am, we head back to the nurse and she checks me. now a 3 1/2 she decided that i have progressed enough to be admitted. the second i was in my room i asked when i could get an epidural. the nurse says "well we have to get your blood work back from the lab and the doc has a c-section in an hour so hopefully the blood work will make it back before then." i couldn't imagine going more then another hour! luckily 15 minutes later the doc walked in! i was so nervous. little did i know the local anesthetic  would hurt the most. it did feel a little weird when then inserted the little tube, but nothing like i expected. soon after i was feeling good. good meaning i now thought giving birth was actually a possibility! i could still move my legs but wasn't in pain. my ob doc came in at 8 broke my water and started poticin. i was still at a 31/2. around 11 i started to get really uncomfortable, i pushed the button for some more meds but didn't really get any relief. the epidural doc. came back and dosed me up with some more good stuff! they also put in an intrauterine monitor around this time because they needed to monitor the strength of my contractions better, the baby's heart beat would drop with each contraction. they made this seem like no big deal, all the while i am freaking out.  at 12 i was suddenly at a 6! YES! my legs were so numb, they each felt like they were 500 lbs. and i now couldn't move them at all. but no pain! around 2 i started getting really uncomfortable again. i started puking and when j told the nurse she said "thats a sign she is ready!" she came into check me and i was at a 10! she left to go call my dr. while she was gone i kept telling jordan that this baby was coming. i felt so much pressure, it was nuts! finally she came back! she wanted to do some practice pushes once we tried one, we couldn't do anymore. the baby was right there!! the dr. came in, he thought we would be pushing forever. once he saw how good of a pusher i was, he let us know it would be within a matter of minutes! pushing is hard work and i can't imagine pushing for hours. in the middle i was told i was going to tear so he decided to cut me instead. gross. although i couldn't feel him doing that, i could hear it. sorry, if that is so sick but that is the truth and i really don't want to forget the details!  not that i would ever forget that sound. a few pushes later and my baby was on my chest. he was born at 3:02 pm. the feelings i felt instantly were and still are indescribable. i knew the second i saw him that his name was beckett. we didn't talk names right at that moment but i knew. after a second on my chest, they noticed that when he would breath, he had a little growl so they called in the nicu to suck him out and monitor him. we found out the cord was wrapped around twice. we are unsure if that had anything to do with his breathing, but they made it seem like no big deal.  it was so hard to see my baby across the room and all i could do was lay there. by the time i was all stitched up and the after birth was all out, beckett was good to go! he was 8 lbs 6 oz, i remember when i first saw him i couldn't believe how big he was! i was so happy. i couldn't believe that me and jordan made him and that he was ours. i have loved jordan for along time, but at that moment i loved him more then ever. we had a different kind of connection now and i could feel it so strong. after spending some quality time just the 3 of us. our families came in to meet b. we were moved up to our room, my parents brought dinner. did i mention how starving i was? ice chips don't really do anything for you! beckett finally got his first bath around 10 pm. thats a whole other story. i think i am still bugged we had to wait so long! after everyone left, it was so nice to talk to j about the day and how special our new little family was.

1. getting all measured and sucked out.

2. holding his daddy's finger.

3. my favorite two boys! love them with my whole heart. 

my sweetest baby boy.

guess who decided to join his daddy and mama?

Beckett Luis Bowden
love him more then words can describe.
birth story and more to come ASAP.  for now i am going to love on this guy all day and night.

BORN: August 27th @ 3:02 pm.
8lbs. 6 oz.

40

today i am 40 weeks pregnant.  the app on my phone that has had a count down on it says "TODAY IS THE DAY!" its funny because i've been looking forward to this day for a really long time. most of the time when you look forward to a certain date, you get the "prize" on that day. like when you have been waiting for a vacation, someone to return home. ya know? well, in the back of my mind i've known that a due date doesn't mean i would have the baby that exact day but i never realized how much i needed it to be the day. yeah, he could have come anytime before today, today is here and he isn't. and he is most likely not coming today.

i am 40 weeks pregnant... and still not dilated.  does this happen? i want to be holding my baby. i am a little sick of being prego. im big, and hot. i feel anxious about everything. i am really tired. obviously i am throwing myself a little pity party today, sorry. j is so positive, he always reminds me how lucky we were to get pregnant so fast and how lucky we are to have had a healthy pregnancy. i really do agree. i really just want to have a baby, today.

on monday, when i found out i was still not dilated, my dr. said he couldn't induce me until i was at least a 2. he said, didn't recommend, that i could have a c-section anytime. well, i don't want a c-section.  now i find myself considering it. what if my body just doesn't dilate, ever? my dr. said i could have a cervix softener at 41 and 1/2 weeks. i feel like 41 and 1/2 weeks is like a year away. by that time my baby might weigh 10 lbs. how is that going to work, no epidural and a 10 lb. babe? nope, not happening. most likely i would still need a c-section. AND what if the cervix softener doesn't work? ahh.. i am driving myself nuts.

monday is my next appointment. i NEED my baby to be here by then. or at least some progress. pray for me! has anyone ever not been dilated by this point? i need some advice. thanks.


for now im off to mow the lawn and clean my house. if that doesn't help i'll be at the track running stairs! :)

39 weeks and one day.

yesterday i turned 39 weeks! i cleaned my whole house, did the laundry- including the bedding, mowed the lawn and washed all three dogs. i am READY for this boy to come! his room is ready, his bag is packed. his aunt mern is leaving sunday, she needs to meet him first. please, oh  please come TONIGHT! really tonight would be really great!


@ 37, 38 and 39

the last few weeks have seemed longer then all 39 combined. i am seriously dying to know when he will be in my arms.

feeling a little anxious about the labor.

not dilated at all as of last monday. we will cross our fingers for some progress this monday!

been feeling super crampy the last few days. hopefully something is happening!

had 2 really great showers the last couple weeks. no pictures. you would think i didn't have a camera or a phone with a camera on it with me.
 ---a BIG thank you to ammie for having a shower at her house, my dad for cooking again and my mama for always helping! ammie's shower was so great! she is the best! we got so many great things, thank you to those that came. we feel so lucky to have you in our lives.

and

--- to my ward. people came that i didn't even know. seriously, everyone made me feel so special, like we were bffs from way back. thanks so much! we also got lots of goodies, and we are very grateful!

my little matthew has been super clingly lately. i think he knows it won't be just us 2 for much longer. i will miss him on my 3 weeks off. i am not sure i will be able to handle 3 weeks. he calls the baby beckett, i love it. i never told him that was the babie's name, we still aren't sure, he just chose beckett over the other 2.

the babe has been moving lots lately. i can tell he has no where to go, it seems he just moves his bum from side to side!

why does it seem everyone else is have their babes 2 weeks early lately?

i am losing my brain lately.

every night i dream about what he will look like. i wonder if he will take after his daddy. or maybe look a little like me. i doubt he will have hair, and most likely he will have his daddy's nose. i can't wait to see how big he will be and to see his little toes!

i walk into his room and it almost seems unreal that a baby will be sleeping in that crib any day. most days you can find j in the rocking chair just lounging or studying, it melts my heart. i can't wait to see him rocking his little boy. he is going to be such a good daddy.



we are seriously so so excited that it is getting so close. cross your fingers it won't be much longer. maybe the next blog will have a picture of him!

36 and two days.

two days past 36 weeks. have i mentioned that i am ready for this baby to be in my arms opposed to my belly. i know i am only 36 weeks, the baby still needs to cook, but if he could come tomorrow with no complications i would LOVE it. i went to the dr yesterday and was hoping for just a little progress, NOTHING. not dilated or effaced at all. i am depressed about it. its not even that i need him to come early (not that i would be mad if he did!), i just wanted to be something. ya know?

so @ 35-36 weeks.

i can't sleep, you guys. i am grumpy and i just want to get comfortable for a few hours.

it seems that this numb, tingly, achy right arm of mine is only getting worse. it now bothers me all night and all day.

this boy gets the hiccups quite a bit. i feel bad for him, i don't love the hiccups. but i do love feeling him inside me.

i gained 3 more lbs this week. and i can feel it. and see it!!

bending over feels like i am cutting off my air supply and/or someone punching me in the stomach.

i feel swollen.

i am SO tired. i can't make it a whole day without laying down and sleeping for at least 20 minutes.

i really love feeling him move. i can tell he is running out of room.

i think i noticed a stretch mark. maybe a couple.

i feel like i have nothing ready, like a hospital bag or anything washed. a part of me feels panicky about it and the other part doesn't want a packed bag laying around for the next 4 weeks only to be over prepared.

still wanting to go with no epidural... no new thoughts. just have to see how it goes.

my app says he is the size of a watermelon and is probably around 6.5 lbs.

i kinda think i love the name beckett lately. i think we will spell it bekitt. don't hold me to that, but for today that is his name!

love him and am dying to see what he looks like.


i had two more showers.
thanks to angie who made a delicious lunch and offered up her cute house. she is such a great sil. i am glad to have her in my life and even more glad that she is a part of my family! love her.  thanks to those that came. we got some great things!

and to amy who also had a yummy lunch and invited everyone to her cute house! i suck at taking pictures, and didn't take any at amy's. :( however it was very fun visiting with friends, my mama and mern. i am very grateful for a friend like aim, she is always so willing to do nice things for me! no one knows what i would do without her!

and my hunky hubby ran another marathon. i am so proud of him. what a great accomplishment! look at that bod!

happy birthday to my best guy!

today jordan turns 28. remember how i met him when he was 14? wow, i still remember the first few times i saw him. one of those times my mom gave him a ride home in her convertible, the top was down, he sat on the back with a friend of ours and sang some rap song all the way to his house. boy, did i have a crush on him! over the next few years we kissed a few times, but  HE didn't want anything serious. i really liked him. he may or may not have started dated a friend of mine and i may or may not have been really upset over it, they didn't work out, he said he was sorry and i couldn't help but still really like him. there was always something about jordan that i found special. so a few months before i turned 17 we started dating, being bf/gf, ya know? always in the back of my mind i knew he would be leaving on his mission soon and i didn't know what would happen. i couldn't help myself from really falling for him. i remember in july, the 10th of 2003 to be exact, i knew that i loved him. i couldn't tell him though, he was leaving in just 2 short months. we had so much fun that summer. we hung out pretty much everyday. we went to concerts and murrray pool. and then  on a hot summer night (August 26th 2003) we were driving to a friends bday party in that same convertible, in the middle of the road, he slammed on the breaks, looked over at me and said "you know i love you, right?" best night. i remember it like it was yesterday. then he left, lots more years went by and look at us now! just a few nights ago we were talking about those days, if we ever thought we would be here today. and the answer is no. but i am so glad that we are. i love him, i love the memories we have. i love that i have known him since i was a kid. he is so so special to me! i couldn't ask for someone better. he loves me and takes care of me. he supports me in all my adventures. he encourages me to be better. cheers me up when i am down. makes me laugh so hard, because he really is quite funny. when i look into his eyes i see my future. he is going to be the best dad. i can't wait to see him hold this little boy for the first time. i hope jordan knows how much i appreciate him, i have a hard time showing it most of the time. today, for his birthday i hope he feels as special as he is. i will love him FOREVER.